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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
Benjamin Franklin
The nice thing about egoists is that they don't talk about other people.
Lucille S. Harp
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Joseph Heller
Catch-22
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Karl Marx
dying words to his housekeeper
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
Albert Einstein
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
H. M. Warner (Warner Bros.)
on talking movies
If Hitler invaded hell, I would make at least a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
Winston Churchill
Political languange ... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.
George Orwell
If I ever want to have an affair with a married man again, especially if he's president, please shoot me.
Monica Lewinsky
I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone.
Charles Darwin
The Origin of Species
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
General John Sedgwick
last words in the Civil War
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Alan Kay
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt.
Voltaire
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
Chinese Proverb
Life is what happens to use while we're making other plans.
John Lennon
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elaine Boosler
A tie is like kissing your sister.
Tom Hamilton
"Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year."
"Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice."
Bart (Nancy Cartwright) & Marge (Julie Kavner) Simpson
The Simpsons
2000 BC: Here, eat this root
1000 AD: That root is heathen; Here, say this prayer
1850 AD: That prayer is superstition; Here, drink this potion
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil; Here, swallow this pill
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective; Here, take this antibiotic
2000 AD: That antibiotic is artificial; Here, eat this root
Unknown
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Oscar Wilde
First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure.
Mark Twain
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.
Otto Von Bismarck
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
Earl Wilson
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
General George Patton
You don't like your job? You don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Homer Simpson
The Simpsons
As people do better, they start voting like Republicans ... unless they have too much education and vote Democratic, which proves there can be too much of a good thing.
Karl Rove
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Aaron Levenstein
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
Youth is wasted on the young.
Joseph Biden
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
We are here to drink beer. We are here to laugh at the odds. We are here to live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
Charles Bukowski
So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Carl Spackler (Bill Murray)
Caddyshack
Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
Alfred E. Neuman
Morality ... is the wisdom that prevents sacrificing long-term happiness for short-term happiness.
Gerald M. Weinberg
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albrig
We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt)
Fight Club
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Unknown
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill
90% of it I spent on whiskey, women and gambling ... the other 10% I wasted.
Tug McGraw
when asked what he did with the money he earned playing baseball
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Stephen Wright
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance.
Hanlon's razor
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
Lee Trevino
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